Broken…
It was the smallest word I could use to convey my pain, Far outstretched to make sense to the naked eye and beyond logical to make any sense to the voices that from the start had cheered me on. I had failed, yet again falling victim to the reality of not feeling like my efforts for all their sacrifice were worthy of making me enough for the hope and expectations of the world of support that from the start stood behind me. Now however I was alone, putting on crooked smiles and being lost in the hunt to finding my truest purpose and in it the true meaning of fulfillment at its success. “Did I take a wrong turn?” I wonder, battling the emptiness that engulfed me, being unable to succumb to tears as even they were beneath me.Even as my friend Roddy, would say “I know you are more than this Mick, you have just got to keep at it till you make your breakthrough” it would only be drops of water to my harsh dry desert of a soul. For all his support he had no clue he was strength to my thin thread on which I held on for dear life. I didn’t feel alive, more than anything, I was… broken.
Empty…
Breathing empty breaths and filling my lungs with more pain than my heart could take, I opened my mouth to pray but nothing I could understand was willing to come out. What mortal words could express the barrage of hurt I was in. For once I prayed this was a simple heartache and it was some lady that somehow managed to do this damage to my soul. Unfortunately, this unlike anything I had ever felt threatened my very existence. I knew I had a purpose but failing to succeed didn’t sound like I was on the right track. What after all was the point of all the height of intelligence in the world if you come up short every time you try to fit in to the system? Why was it going to matter if it drove you to insane insomnia each night and finally made you want to sleep all day? The point where hearing your own breathing makes you want to take it but each time you want to God frustrates your plans by sending you yet another reason to stay alive. Here I was traveling on a road with no signs, blinded by the lights of oncoming traffic and kept sane by the words of one voice that prevailed above all else…”keep going forward”.
“Why God, why?!” I asked as I woke up yet again for yet another morning, thankful for things I knew were out of my control but sad for the realisation that the torture continued yet. As I stared at the form of a man that embodied all the hate and anger that fuelled my aggression, in my mind’s eye he was dead already, in reality I was unwilling to kill him, it was against my moral code but I was amazed for how far I thought I was willing to go. Just as I felt the rage would take over me, divinely the Lord God dropped advice in my spirit like an anchor “love your enemies” and as Luke scribed on it made more sense to listen.
Realisation…
There was one thing that was certain, the only way to go was forward, with the right kind of thinking, with the right motives and at all of the right times. I read for how Solomon asked God for wisdom seeking to myself find the purple patch he did after God answered his prayers and then step 1 hit me: When you know who you are it never matters what they call you. Know that God is paying attention, Solomon had a clarity of why he wanted what he did and so made quick work of his purple patch when it came. Second, as my mind wandered through the darkness I found, A seed sown in the wrong soil will never reach its fullest potential. Find out who you are and run with it, let nothing slow you down on the route to self-discovery, not your fear of starting over, not what the world would say, not what your friends and family might think. Find your soil and plant your Elements of talent and difference with the conviction that speaks of you better than anyone else.
People may have an idea of who you are but you know your truest definition.
Don’t be afraid to seek professional advice, when making plans to venture into idea paths you haven’t gone through before.
It’s okay to pray about it, in fact it’s important you do… No matter your religion or faith, seeking that divine connection is crucial, so dig deep and find it but be sure to follow the truth and be open to it. The book of Proverbs is a solid place to start.
Enjoy constructive criticism and feedback, do not be afraid to fail, it only means you’re learning new ways not to.
Time yourself, just as you would as you prepare for an exam like the SATs, set a time frame for your new plans and take to it. Time is after all the most elusive element not on the periodic table.
Be sure to communicate, that voice that reminds you that there’s light at the end of the tunnel is as important as the reason you are willing to stay alive. In the dark, I found a voice that was aware, conscious and through the madness gave me a sense of sanity, and I am grateful for it as I am every divinely inspired thought it inspires.
Hate doesn’t help, in as much as the intensity may lead you to believe you are getting better at channelling your energy towards something it is also drawing you back since, instead of focussing on getting ahead you are focused on dragging down the source of your hate. Ever tried to pull someone heavier than you before? How fast were you able to travel? Exactly!
Never succumb to being less than enough…see where your road takes you, you would be better for it than being subject to the flaws of a system of soil that stifles your growth.
Looking forward to your success stories…
The Fizzy Speaks 